Chew
Act I, Scene I[]
Narrator: For centuries, man has heard stories of the mythical mermaid. A woman with the top half of a human and the bottom half of a fish. And deep, deep, deep in the black of the ocean where no light could shine, the myth of the mermaid is true. And like most truths, it's ugly.
Fiji: All my life
I've only known
Dark abyss
All alone
Maybe there's something out there...
Narrator: This is Fiji. She's the sixth mermaid princess in her deep-sea kingdom. Her sisters were named Viti, Levu, Suva, Rabi, and Vara. Each one was born two years after the last one. In the mermaid kingdom, a princess upon her 16th birthday will get to visit the surface just once. Fiji had heard all about the surface from her older sisters, and she longed to go there. Today was her turn to go.
Fiji: I dream of going out where
I could feel the breeze of the air
See the sun on my skin and hair
It's only way out there
Well today I will go
Dessert or snow
I will see the sky and the stars
out there!
Narrator: Fiji emerged from the water during a terrible storm. As soon are her eyes adjusted, she caught sight of a handsome human prince sinking in the ocean.
Fiji: Who... Who is that?
Narrator: He was Prince Elof. And the sight of his lungs filling up with seawater had captured Fiji's heart.
Fiji: If I had known such attractive people lived up here on the surface, I would have come here long ago! I want to live up hear and never leave!
Narrator: Fiji rescued Prince Elof and left his body on the sand. She then returned home to the the undersea world of the mermaid kingdom, head and heart full of fantasies of living on the land.
Fiji: Now I have seen
the face of beauty
That rythmous hair
Ah, what a cutie
I know that my life
my entire being
belongs on the land
the visions I'm seeing
I vow to be out there!
Out there!
Act I, Scene II[]
Narrator: When Fiji came home to the kingdom, she was greeted by her two best friends; a fish named Salmon and a wonderfully Jamaican squid named Oistin.
Oistin: 'Ey, girl! How was da surface?
Salmon: Yeah, Fiji! Tell us!
Fiji: Oh, it was the most amazing experience of my entire life!
Oistin: I'm so happy to hear you say dat, because that was the only opportunity you will eveh get in your life!
Fiji: Yeah, about that...
Salmon: Come on, let's go back to the castle so you can tell us all about it!
Narrator: And so Fiji returned home to her five sisters, her father, and her dear old gram-gram.
Oistin: Oh girls, your Majesty, Gram-Gram! Guess who's back?
Viti: Slim Shady?
Oistin: No.
Levu: Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Oistin: Err, no.
Suva: Oh! Salmon!
Oistin: Well, technically yes, but...
Rabi: George from Seinfeld!
Oistin: Okay, think about who it could plausibly-
Vara: Me?
Oistin: Stop guessing. It's Fiji!
Viti: Oh, okay. I'm going back upstairs now.
Fiji: Wait, don't you want to hear about the surface?
Levu: We've all been there, Fiji. It's no big deal.
Suva: I found this shiny fork on my visit.
Fiji: But I saved a human from drowning...
Rabi: Oh, I did that too!
Vara: Cool!
Fiji: But...
King: It's okay, Sweety. Pop-pop wants to hear all about your little trip.
Fiji: Oh, it was magical! I want to live there forever!
Everyone: (gasp)
King: NOOOPE. You're grounded. Let's go to bed now.
Fiji: But dad, it changed my life!
King: NOPE. NO NO NO, UH-HUH. I hereby ban talking from you. Now how 'bout bed, hm?
Fiji: But-
King: No talking!
Salmon: Can she sing it?
Fiji: Yeaaah~!
King: I banish music forever! Goodnight!
Gram-Gram: (shaky and senile) D-did she just say she wanted to live o-on the s-surface?
King: She most certainly did not.
Gram-Gram: When I w-was her age, I t-too wanted to live on the s-surface.
King: Gram-Gram, shush.
Gram-Gram: But it was imp-posible!
King: Oh, yes!
Gram-Gram: Because I didn't have the l-legs to w-walk on the land.
King: Exactly!
Gram-Gram: And I died trying.
King: Well, no...
Gram-Gram: But b-because you're my f-favorite granddaughter, Titi...
Fiji: Fiji.
King: No talking!
Gram-Gram: I'm going to g-give you this m-magical potion! Anyone who d-drinks it will g-grow legs instead of fins!
Fiji: This is a bottle of perfume.
Gram-Gram: You're dern right it is! A-and you can't have it unless you p-prey it from my c-cold dead hands!
King: Gram-Gram, go to sleep.
Gram-Gram: Okay. (snoooooooore)
King: And Fiji, remember. You are forbidden from going to the surface, it's biologically impossible without legs, and why would you even want to leave the ocean? Oistin, why don't you sing that song of yours about the water?
Oistin: You banned all music, your majesty.
King: I KNOW WHAT I BANNED, NOW SING.
Oistin: Why would you want to go
Where der is rain and snow?
Sun will shine and will wind will blow?
Down here is far more cool.
It's just like a giant pool
with giant fish who swim in stool.
In da wateh
Oh, in da wateh
Splash in the lake of ole Titicaca!
Who cares if up der is fun?
Honey, you'll skin will burn in da sun!
Stay where it's dark
And dangeh will lark
Stay in da wateh!
Why would you live on da surface?
The wateh is where it's at!
On land, all life has purpose
Who has time for dat?
Up der it's hotteh
You'll freeze in a da wateh!
All in all,
you'll have a ball
In da depths of da wateh!
Da land is nothing but trouble
Our life is in a bubble
And when our bubbles pop
We float to da top
And rot on da surface!
In da wateh
Oh in da wateh
Just be Daddy's lil' daughteh!
Sure der grass is greener,
but da people so much meaner
Stay where it's dark
And dangeh will lark
And if you survive
to age twenty-five
You'll truly be blessed
Though life is a pest
We took care of dat
Cause where you are at
Is stuck in a da wateh!